Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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