my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
