I cannot find my penis.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
