Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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