We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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