well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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