oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
