i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
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I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
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Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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