I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
