After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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