genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
