i was born a porn star she said
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
