I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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