Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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