Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
