I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
