We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My balls are so social today.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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