Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
