kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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