We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
