Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
