She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
