i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
