if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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