some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
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You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
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Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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