I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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