I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
