I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
