I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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