i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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