I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
