you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
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We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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