I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
