dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
