I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
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If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
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All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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