It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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