90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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