we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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