You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
