chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
