Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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