saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
