this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
