He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just want to make out with him forever
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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