dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
