i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
