I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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