So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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