Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize