my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
