So drunk its hurt
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
