halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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