The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
