im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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