I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize