u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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