Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
