**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
