Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
