This is not my ceiling
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
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Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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