Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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