Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
