Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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